Wednesday, 23 October 2013



I understand why ‘The Queen is Dead’ made number 1 spot in the NME’s ‘THE 500 greatest albums of all time’ List, I really do. Morrissey autobiography has just been released and they are pushing some well financed publicity behind it. It’s the book of the moment for most and everyone is digging out The Smiths back catalogues as their own personal soundtrack as they flick through each page. I get it. I understand. I just cannot agree at all.

I can picture the hoards of screaming hipsters pointing their bony fingers at me with howls of “go home old man” and 9-10 times they would be right and entitled to do so, but when a magazine like NME includes the line '...of all time' then you are (whether you like it or not) including every generation in the argument. The list is a joke. It has been compiled from multiple people clearly within the NME office and it’s obvious to most which people have chosen which. Random Jazz and Easy Listening albums are crowbarred next to indie titles released last week before being pipped to the post by the standard selection of classic rock LPs and follow up albums best forgotten by formally great artists (in an attempt to show the reader how in depth their music knowledge goes).

Some of the choices are laughable (Big Black’s ‘Atomizer’ clearly punts Elvis’s debut, The Clash’s ‘Combat Rock’ and even The Killers ‘Hot Fuss’ out the park right? The latter which gets lorded about as some kind of game changer and modern day classic of the past 10 years within the pages of the same magazine but today only scrapes in at number 495 now…oh those fickle fuckers eh?

The most annoying choices are those that are just included to give the impression that the writer has such a massive and varied record collection that they honestly prefer albums such as the extremely half arsed and 2 star at best ‘Holland’ by The Beach Boys over Brian Wilson’s own ‘SMiLE’, or the totally out of place random Billie Holiday inclusion ‘Lady In Satin’ which tends to pop up in these lists not because of it’s material or finished production but because of it’s penultimate release status before she finally popped her clogs. The list reads like 5 people just sat down and named every album they could think of and then randomly made a list of them. The top 10 are exactly as you’d expect from such a list. Especially as even NME realise to NOT put The Strokes debut ‘This is It’ anywhere out of the TOP 5 would result in their TOPSHOP gold card being shredded in front of them.


The Beatles managed to get 2 albums ('The White Album' & 'Revolver') in the top 20 although it was touch and go against such classics as PJ Harvey’s ‘Let England Shake’ and Public Enemy’s ‘It Takes A Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back’ snapping at their Chelsea booted heels. Those Glastonbury Headliners The Rolling Stones clearly need to learn a trick or two from My Bloody Valentine as the latters ‘Loveless’ puts the poor old Stones into their place and is clearly much greater than their own magnum opus ‘Exile on Main Street’ (which isn’t as good as ‘Parklife’ either…I’m amazed they lasted 50 years with those kind of stats.

There are some howlers and “whothefuckarethey?”’ options in there as well (Boards of Canada…anyone?) Although the main bug bear is the ones that make you grab your head and scream to the heavens “how the hell can Kraftwerk’s ‘The Man Machine’ be better than Bob Dylan's ‘Blonde on Blonde’, ‘Highway 61 Revisited’ and ‘Bringing it All Back Home’??? .

As it says in The Bible “Opinions are like assholes, everyone’s got one and most of em’ stink” . The people responsible for this ridiculous attempt and eclecticism need flogging and worst of all for them…ignoring.


TOP 20

20. Ok Computer - Radiohead
19. Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not - Arctic Monkeys
18. Loveless - My Bloody Valentine
17. It Takes A Nation of Millions To Hold Us Back - Public Enemy
16. Closer - Joy Division
15. Let England Shake - PJ Harvey
14. Low - David Bowie
13. Funeral - Arcade Fire
12. Horses - Patti Smith
11. Nevermind - Nirvana
10. Definitely Maybe - Oasis
09. The White Album - The Beatles
08. Doolittle - Pixies
07. The Stone Roses - The Stone Roses
06. Different Class - Pulp
05. The Velvet Underground & Nico - The Velvet Underground
04. This is It - The Strokes
03. Hunky Dory - David Bowie
02. Revolver - The Beatles
01. The Queen is Dead - The Smiths

The 500 GREATEST ALBUMS OF ALL TIME is available at all good newsagents now!
(on a totally unrelated note Tesco's toilet paper is ALSO on sale)

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